we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
