im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
So. Much. Porn.
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