Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Randomize
