So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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