I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
