This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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