last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I made him laugh his dick is mine
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
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