did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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