Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
