so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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