i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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