I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
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