MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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