I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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