your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
