cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
