found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
