I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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