You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Randomize
