Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
