The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
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