my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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