Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
