i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
