I'm lost and stupid without you.
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
