my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Randomize
