nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Randomize
