so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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