Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
