I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
