remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
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