saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Randomize
