just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
