Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
