sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Randomize
