the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
