mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
