If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
