I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
