I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
