she kept yelling 'call me bella'
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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