my mouth tastes like poor choices
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
