Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
