I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
