TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
