i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
