I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
