did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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