it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
