why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
