after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
