even my farts smell like vagina
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
